Nope

Negative....again. They don't have any idea why, everything was almost perfect this time.

Frosties are up next...

PUPO

On Sunday morning we had 4 embryos that had reached the Blasocyst stage. A 4BB, 3BB, 2BB and 1BB which are all good quality.

We decided to go with the national recommendation of 2 this time and transfer the 4 and the 3. The 2 and the 1 were frozen.

Beta on October 9. Feeling better about things this time. Lets hope that translates into a better outcome!

3 day Embryo Report

3 x 7-cell B's
5 x 6-cell B's
1 x 5-cell B
1 x 4 -cell B
2 x 6-cell C's
2 x 3-cell C's

Our embryologist does a pretty simplistic rating system, A, B or C. A is perfect, B is good, C is poor.

Given we had all C's last time this is MUCH better! Keeping everything crossed we have as good of news on Sunday.

Here we are again

So here we are again, meds have been injected, eggs have been collected and we wait to see what kind of quality of embryos we have this time around. They were able to retrieve 22 eggs this time, all mature. Of those 15 fertilized, one abnormally and 14 normally. So, as of today - Day 1- We have 14 embryos and are once again scheduled for a 5 day transfer on Sunday. I am happy that we have a larger number this time, maybe, just maybe there will be one or two in there that could go the distance, but I can't help but hear the nagging voice in the background reminding me of what happened last time. Only time will tell, we continue to hope, wish and pray for our miracle.

It's official

Negative it is. Plan is to cycle again in September.

Moment of Truth

So here we are, nearly two weeks since embryo transfer, Beta HCG tomorrow. I had some really promising symptoms over the weekend which had me psyched up for just enough time to prompt me to cheat and take a test on Monday, I wasn't surprised to see a glaring negative, of course it could have been too early, I took it mid day, etc. etc. but in my heart of hearts I know it was right. We'll get the official beta tomorrow, but I've already got it settled in my head it's going to be negative too. We'll see what the plan is. I've already decided that if my hunch (and the hpt) are correct, we'll try again in September. We didn't have any embryos make it to freeze. No surprise there either. Hopefully the RE has some thoughts and strategies to get us some better quality embryos next time around.

Just when you think

Just when you think things are going well and things are looking really promising, the other shoe drops....I knew it would at some point, at 39 I'm obviously past my prime baby making years but I had hopes that I had somehow defied mother nature and this IVF cycle was going to be really great. I had asked the nurse on Tuesday when they told me I have 5 normally growing embies if there was any possibility that we will still have to do a 3 day transfer if the embies didn't progress well. She assured me that we were on for a 5 day transfer and that they may adjust for a time but to plan on Saturday. I had asked for an update on the embryo progress on Thursday....which apparently they don't usually do? I just needed to know where we were at, the waiting was killing me. She agreed to send me an email update on Thursday. So Thursday morning came - nothing, Thursday late morning - nothing, Thursday noon - nothing, I was starting to think she had forgotten about me......then my phone rang, it was the Dr's office - don't panic, she probably just called instead of emailed.....'Hello?' 'Hi, this is Dr. H'........Crap, the Dr. is calling this can't be good....so he proceeded to tell me that on day 3 they like to see 6-8 cell embryos. We had one 7 cell, one 6 cell, one 5 cell and 2 3 cells. Okay, well that doesn't sound so bad, I was just happy they were still growing...THEN the other shoe dropped. 'We also give them a grade based on how they are looking, A being outstanding, B being good and C being poor. Your embryos are all Grade C.' ........silence and a stomach drop from me. He continued 'Some people want to wait to day 5 to see if they keep progressing, but at this point what I recommend is that we put them back this afternoon, sometimes they do better in their natural environment, can you be here in an hour?'.......Holy crap, I was so not expecting that, I had a ton of things going on at work I needed to finish, I had so many plans of things to get ready and get done before Saturday for our transfer but of course I'm not going to go against his advice. 'I'll call my husband and figure it out....it is an hour drive for us, so give us 2 hours'......so off I flew home, called dh and we flew to the office. When we got there he again explained the embryo grade and we discussed how many we wanted to transfer. The American Reproductive Society or whoever they are, with my age and grade of embryo's recommended 4.....4?! Really? What if by some miracle they all made it? No way no how we could handle 4 babies...We decided we couldn't handle 3 either. Now we know they probably wouldn't all make it, but strange things happen and triplets is not a strange happening we were comfortable with. SO we transferred the 7 cell and the 6 cell. So not the news I wanted to hear, nor the news I was expecting, it was all such a whirlwind, but nevertheless the embryos are back home and we're hoping and praying by some enormous miracle they defy the odds. So here we are officially in the two week wait. Luckily work is super busy so I'e got plenty of distraction, but its hard not to think of it every minute of every hour. Surprisingly I'm pretty calm about it, I've done all I can do. The only thing left is to wait and pray.

Update

So things got busy and I haven't been good with updates. Here's a rundown -Started 150u of Bravelle and Menopur daily, everything went well, I responded very quickly with a 13mm follicle and several smaller on my day 4 visit. - Started Ganirelix to make sure I didn't have a surge on my own. They wanted me to stim for 8 days minimum so we kept with the same doses and stimmed until June 6. - At 6/5 ultrasound I had 14 follicles measuring 11mm or larger. - HCG Trigger Shot on June 6 - Egg Retrieval on June 8 (my dh's birthday!) - Retrieved 16 eggs -5 were not mature, 1 was an empty zona - ICSI'd 10 eggs - 5 fertilized normally. -Waiting on the Day 3 report to see how many are still growing. We will have transfer of hopefully 2 embryos on Saturday, June 13. While I think those numbers are pretty decent for someone my age, I can't say that I wasn't a little disappointed that we ended up with only 5 out of 16, BUT it only takes one, right :)

On Schedule

Turns out the polyps weren't that big of a deal, did the hysteroscopy, removed those buggers and we are back on schedule. Baseline ultrasound 5/29 and start medications on 5/30, here we go!!

Road Block

Everything was going so well, got my calendar, timing was perfect, all was well. Then during the wonderfully pleasant saline ultrasound they discovered some pesky uterine polyps.....well lovely. Instead of scheduling a baseline ultrasound and a med start date, we scheduled surgery/hysteroscopy. CRAP. It shouldn't delay us too much, just a couple weeks, but I was so ready to get started. How does the saying go? Never get the cart before the horse....well mine was way before the horse, time to get it back in line.

Here We Go

So testing has been going well, nothing crazy out of the ordinary to prevent us from moving forward. Had ultrasound and bloodwork today, also started birth control pills. Scheduled for HSG because of my past history with endometriosis. Also scheduled Saline Ultrasound and Mock Transfer for early next week. Once those are complete we will have our protocol and cycle calendar and will officially be a go. Exciting and scary all at the same time.

Back on the crazy train

Wow...it's literally been years since I posted, doubt anyone even checks in on this old blog anymore, but we've decided to jump back on the crazy train that is IF treatment and so I wanted an outlet and a place to document what's going on. Briefest of updates.....life goes on pretty much the same as last I wrote with a few life altering changes. I was forced somewhat unintentionally to choose a new career path. This new path led me on a few familiar roads and many new ones, but all in all it's been a good change. With this new career path came new health insurance that includes IF treatments and lo and behold we've decided to take advantage and get back in the game. Since it has been SOOOO long since I saw my doctor last I have to start back at square one and be treated like any old newbie IF patient, which really boils down to I have to wait months to get an initial appointment. Disappointing to say the least, this was a huge leap of faith for us, I recently turned 39 and we just wanted to jump in and GO ASAP...but it is what it is and so we wait until May. There is a new doctor at the practice I go to and so I am excited to meet her and hear her take on things. One thing is for sure, we aren't going to mess around, we're going straight to IVF.... this is a last ditch effort and we don't have time on our side anymore. Since I haven't thrown enough cliché's your way yet.....Let the games begin! Stay tuned (if there is anybody still out there)

Worst blogger ever...

Wow...its been over 3 months since I posted, can you say lazy much? Not much new to report in my world I guess. Been a busy summer, to summarize
- Flood waters have finally started receding, no water in the lakehouse, but it was too close for comfort. Over 50% of the houses on the lake were flooded. If there is some major snowfall this winter, we will be in trouble again come spring.
- Lump on my sweet lab's chest has remained the same....hopefully this means it's nothing we need to worry about.
-Lots of weddings this summer and fall...lots of fun, but a constant reminder of how peoples lives keep moving forward and ours still stays stagnant and unchanging.
-HOT HOT HOT....its been a nearly unbearably hot and wet summer, we usually run our central air a week at most during the summer, this year we had it on for 6 weeks straigh....I almost threw up when I got the electric bill.
-WET WET WET....We also had nearly 20 inches over normal of rain for the summer ...thats 20 inches OVER, not 20 inches total. We had 8 inches one evening in a matter of a few hours. It's made for a constant battle with a wet basement this summer, its just finally starting to dry out. Friends of ours had 6 feet of water in their finished basement...we helped them clean it up...filled one of those truck bed sized dumpsters with all their furniture and carpet....what a mess!
-Nothing at all new on the TTC front, still trying to sort it all out in my head what we want to do next (if anything).

That about sums it up....now that things have slowed down a bit, I'll try to be here more often...I know you are all waiting for the extremely exciting details of my life :)

Sharing some doggie wisdom.

As you can tell from my profile photo, we have a chocolate lab. She is truly the light of our lives, she's been with us since we were first married, she is our baby, she has been there through it all and I love her more than words can express. She is getting older as all dogs do and I think often about what life will be like after she passes on, it chokes me up every time. She has a lump on her chest right now we are watching for change, hoping that it's nothing serious. While doing some research on lumps and whatnot, I came across this. This couldnt' be more true and I wanted to share it, who'd have thought we have so much to learn from our beloved pets.

A Dog's Purpose:

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him.

Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on.

Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"

The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Be always grateful for each new day.

Enjoy every moment of every day!

April 11, 2005

My baby's due date, the baby I got to see with it's precious heartbeat beating away on the US screen, hard to believe I could have a 5 year old....how different would my life be......

Flood, flood, flood

It seems every part of the country is dealing with flooding, we're no exception. The brand new house we helped MIL and FIL build on the lake in SD is in danger. The lake is flooding, as of right now we're okay, but we don't know how long it will stay that way. We may be calling in lots of favors to build a giant sandbag dike all around the house. There are no basements on these houses, we're talking water coming in on the main floor, into the appliances, sheetrock etc. NIGHTMARE. Fingers crossed the water will stop rising.

All I got for my birthday was a computer virus..

Yep, its my birthday...number 34....yikes! That nasty Fac.eboo.k virus that's going around, it attacked my work computer, luckily it didn't do too much damage, I was trying to figure out how I was going to explain that one away...'yeah, I was on face.boo.k and caught this virus'....whew....glad I got it nipped in the bud.

Speaking of FB, its fun to get all the birthday wishes, I havn't had so many birthday wishes since I was in the 4th grade and passed out treats....I know everyone does it for everyone, but it does make you feel loved.

Not much going on in my world, tax season is sucking the life out of me, but the sun has been shining and we've almost made it above freezing outside, gotta love the sun.

Amusing

I’ve had to laugh to myself regarding all the news hype regarding the east coast ‘blizzards’. I don’t doubt that the amount of snow and weather conditions have been trying and treacherous for the people of the east coast and I realize the danger is heightened because the people that live there are not used to these kind of weather conditions. What amuses me is that these national news stories about how bad the ‘blizzard’ conditions have been, I’ve heard on the national news radio today several times that police had to rescue Maryland drivers who were stranded after driving into a snow bank!!!! Terrible, yes. I realize it’s newsworthy because this rarely happens there but seriously?…... they think they have it bad?

Twice this winter elderly men in towns just a few miles from here have been found frozen to death in a ditch after getting stuck and trying to walk for help. A good friend of ours was involved in a 20 car pileup on the highway because driving conditions were so bad you couldn’t see past the hood of your car, in which he had gotten out of the car to see if the person ahead of him was injured while he was out of his vehicle he was hit by a semi and went somersaulting through the air. He survived, but was in critical condition for many days. I cannot count on one hand the number of times I have driven this winter where I had little to no idea if I was actually on the road. Occasionally a mailbox or a hint of a yellow line while I was driving 6 mph through the white out let me know I was on the right track. How about adding a -40 degree windchill to the 2 feet of snow and blizzard conditions. How about we throw in some 40mph winds for kicks and giggles….then we’ll talk.

Perhaps if these things didn’t happen here on a regular basis we would be newsworthy too?

Winter games

Sorry I've been so MIA, nothing much new in my world. Attended the annual winter games on a lake near us. We get up at 8 in the morning and go play softball on the frozen lake....seriously fun times, the bloody marys for breakfast don't hurt either:) There are all sorts of activities, flag football, broomball, and some people think up activities of their own.....my husband was standing right there watching all of this unfold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk_8IlE-J0c

Some people are just not very bright.

We look forward to this event every year. The weather was tolerable, it was only a high of 12 degrees, but the sun was shining and it was SO great to get some fresh air. This is just what we needed to make it through the rest of this winter, already something like 40 inches of snow on the ground, just got 4 more inches yesterday, ready for spring already....damn that groundhog!

We survived

and we still got to celebrate Christmas Eve with my mom. A bit earlier than usual, we opted for lunch instead of dinner and everyone left for home before it got dark, but we were all able to be together and that's what counted.

We had a great time opening presents, playing games, I was actually all wound up and worried about the snow storm that I didn't even have any of those 'moments' that usually accompany Christmas for me...you know the 'look how much fun the kids are having, what wouldn't I give to have a little one of my own to share all of this with' moments. It was actually tear free which is a huge improvement for me.

Christmas Day was spent playing with my new laptop (yay for that, we didn't even have a computer at our house before, so now we do!), eating dinner with the IL's and watching movies. The storm kept us from venturing anywhere for about 3 days so we had lots of quality time. We watched several movies including The Hangover and OMG that was one of the funniest movies I have seen in a really long time, I was nearly rolling on the floor laughing...... vulgar and inappropriate? Yes, but absolutely hilarious.

That about sums up my Christmas, hope you all had a good one!

Grinch comes in a different form this year..

and they're calling him the worst snow storm of the last quarter century. Due to hit this afternoon - 18 to 20 inches of snow and 40mph winds through Friday afternoon, just in time for Christmas. Christmas with my mom will most likely be postponed because not everyone can make it. First time in 33 Christmases that I've been around that we won't be celebrating with my Mom on Christmas Eve, makes me sad. I will see if I can get some pictures up when it's all over.

I remember a few winters in a row when we had hardly any snow and I actually thought I kind of missed it.....I was very, very WRONG!!

I'm pretty sure I won't be making it into work tomorrow so this will be my last pre-Christmas post.

Wishing all of my blog friends and everyone else out there a Blessed Christmas! (I'm just happy the 24-7 Christmas music on the radio stations is soon coming to an end - I know, I'm a scrooge;)-we all got our own things to be thankful for at Christmas, that just happens to be mine).

Joy and Peace to you all!

My own 12 days of Christmas

I realize I'm a little late on this....but this is my own version of the classic Christmas tune, (of course I stole the idea from someone else, but the lyrics are all my own). I know all you IF's out there know how rough a time of year this is, I don't need to describe it because we all feel the pain, my heart goes out to you all. Warm wishes for holiday season that doesn't completely suck (thats the best I can do :)) Here goes, sing along if you like;)

On the first day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
An old and em-m-pty womb.

On the second day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Two mis-car-iages,
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the third day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the fourth day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages ,
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the fifth day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the sixth day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Six years of tryin’,
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the seventh day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Seven spots of endo,
Six years of tryin’,
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the eighth day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Eight failed med cycles,
Seven spots of endo,
Six years of tryin’,
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the ninth day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Nine empty syringes,
Eight failed med cycles,
Seven spots of endo,
Six years of tryin’,
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb..

On the tenth day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Ten cycles per year,
Nine empty syringes,
Eight failed med cycles,
Seven spots of endo,
Six years of tryin’,
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Eleven ultrasou-nds,
Ten cycles per year,
Nine empty syringes,
Eight failed med cycles,
Seven spots of endo,
Six years of tryin’,
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
And an old and emp-ty womb.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, infertil’ty gave to me
Twelve months of sadness,
Eleven ultrasou-nds,
Ten cycles per year,
Nine empty syringes,
Eight failed med cycles,
Seven spots of endo,
Six years of tryin’,
Five great big cysts,
Four sad parents,
Three preggo friends,
Two mis-car-iages
AND AN OLD AND EMP-TY WOMB!!

Welcome Old Man Winter.....

Snow...snow...snow..... 3 inches already with 5 or more on the way, 25-35mph winds.....its going to be a fun drive home from work. Its only 9 miles, but when you're driving in nearly white out conditions and you're not quite sure what is road and what is ditch its a L O N G 9 miles. Its days like these I wonder why I picked fuel economy over a less efficient 4wd when I bought my car.....*sigh*.

Just call me a geek.....

Even though the first movie in the saga was IMO terrible......guess who was at the 12:05 a.m. showing of Ne.w Moo.n last night......you guessed right, ME! Yes I am a complete dork, yes I was older than everyone there by at least 15 years.....yes I am dead ass tired today at work.....and YES it was totally worth it......it was infinitely better than the first one, though I still think you need to have read the book to 'get it'....but a new director has made all the difference and half naked, beyond buff hotties doesn't hurt anything either, I realize Tay.lor Laut.ner is young enough to be my son.....but OMG....so delicious.... it left me feeling a little like a dirty old lady perv but something that beautiful needs to be appreciated....I won't put it past myself to go see it again.....see I told you - just call me a geek (and maybe a tad obsessed) but I can swoon like a 14 year old girl with the best of them!!

Per your request...

*Pictures removed *

So here we are -you can't see dh's part very well, but it looked good in person. We were separate most of the evening, he outside, I inside and people would see one but not the other, then they would see the other and go 'oh....now I get it!'......we had a great time.

Our Halloween Costumes

We have a costume/30th birthday party to attend tommorrow evening, we haven't dressed up in years so it should be fun, this is what we are going as (this isn't us of course, but its where I got the idea)- I made the costumes myself (I didn't make a cord though just the plug, I didn't think it was necessary, what do you think?) If I do say so myself my homemade attempt turned out awesome, I'm excited for an electrifying time!!

Still here...

Sorry for being so MIA…I’ve just been in sort of a funk and have lots of stuff running through my head lately.

I don’t really like to play the ‘what’s worse game’ because I have only lived my life and can’t begin know what it feels like to be in other peoples shoes. Grief is grief and I’m not about to say that someone’s pain and suffering should or should not be worse than someone else’s, but I often wonder in the context of my own life…..would it have been better to have never experienced a pg and known loss? If it was my life path to lose my child would it be better or worse to have known the child first before they were taken away. I have a cousin who also suffers from IF….she lost an ovary and struggled to get pg..she finally did and they had a beautiful boy. When he was about 7 years old, he was diagnosed with cancer in his hip, they fought it hard, it involved lots treatment, amputation of his leg, lots of pain and suffering and after 3 years they lost the battle and he died when he was 10 years old. They were unable to have any more children. Would I have rather been in her shoes than my own? Would I want to endure that pain for the short time they had with him? I think my answer would be yes. While what they experienced was horrible and heart breaking, their memories, pictures, mementos are lasting proof their enduring love for their child, others got to know and love their child and also share in their loss.

Infertility is such a silent suffering, no matter who may try to be there for you, the pain and suffering is still all your own.
Everyone always talks about losing a child is the worse thing anyone can imagine. I don’t argue that. But my issue is what I wouldn’t give to have been able to see, to hold, to experience even for a short time the life of my children. To know whether we had sons or daughters or one of each. To know what they looked like, to hear their voice, see their sweet faces. It’s the age old question ‘is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?....or as I’m asking…..Is it better to have been a mother and lost or to have never been a ‘mother’ at all?

Breaking news......

O.bama wins N.obel P.eace P.rize......I vomit on my shoes......

The rest of the story....

So here's the rest of the bat story for those who are curious as to how my intruder met his demise....I had been carrying stuff down the stairs from upstairs and hauling it to my car for the garage sale. I had this poker table that was in one of our storage closets...we have a story and 1/2 so where the walls meet the angle of the roof, there are big closets....anyway I decided to get rid of the table and carried it down the stairs through the kitchen and out the door......as I was shifting the weight of the table outside to get it to the car, my husband yells - 'there's another bat in the house'. I seriously thought he was joking....he had been poking fun at me about the incident from the night before and how scared I was of the bat...so I yell back 'seriously?' and he replies 'I'm dead serious'. I still wasn't sure if I believed him but I didnt' want to go back in the house to find out. So I yell 'where?' ...'in the kitchen' he says, 'it must have flown out of whatever you brought down the stairs'.......by now I believed him and I immediately dropped the table on the ground and started to panick.....he yells out 'do we have a fly swatter' and I'm like 'you need something bigger than that!!' Then I hear a big commotion and things hitting the floor and dh yells 'I got him'....so go inside and there is a glass and salt and pepper shakers and a sweatshirt on the floor. Apparently dh took the sweatshirt off his back to swat at the bat as it was circling in the kitchen and took everything on the counter out in the process. But the bat was knocked out and under the sweatshirt. Dh took it outside, stomped on it to make sure it was never coming back and threw it to a part of the yard we never go.....Ewwwwww! So apparently the bat had been hiding out on the poker table and when I brought it downstairs he decided to fly around the kitchen....again thank God I wasn't inside when this happened or you probably all would have been able to hear my screaming as far away as where you live!

So we havn't had anymore incidents since then so I'm sticking with my story that it was just the one bat and we won't have any more problems....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be the case.

On another note...I made nearly $300 on the garage sale and I only had one box of stuff left of the 2+ carloads of stuff I got rid of - wooo hooo!!

The bat came back.....

well at least I'm hoping it was the same one.....he didn't live this time. What are the chances I would have two bat incidents in my house in 2 days? In 8 years we have lived in our house we have NEVER had anything like this happen, for that fact, I'm going to say (and pray) it was the same one and if that is the case - he definitely won't be causing anymore trouble. But yeah, how disgustingly gross is the fact that there was a bat in my house, I'm still totally freaked out, yuck, yuck, yuck!!

My sister, my mother and a friend are having a rummage sale this afternoon, so I've torn apart my whole house ridding it of anything and everything I felt the need to part with, its been a ton of work, we havn't done this in over 10 years, now I remember why. Here's hoping it turns out to be worth it and I make a few bucks. If it doesn't sell - it's getting donated, so at least I'll be rid of it all. Now only if my house wasn't now tainted by the bat incidents I could feel really good about my clutter free house. Damn bat!!

Holy Crap Batman!!

So last night I was lying in bed after I had just shut the lights off, my dh had fallen asleep on the couch and it was just me and my dog in the bedroom. I heard a bunch of noise and thought that dh had woken up and was coming to bed.....I waited and he never came up the stairs, so I listened more carefully, I could hear the dog doing her sleeping breathing and I knew it wasn't her, soon I could hear what soundling like scratching and a 'tink tink' noise like dishes gently clanking together........I listened for a minute or two.....it wasn't my imagination, something was making noise in the house. I was scared s***less. I carefully got out of bed imagining all kinds of critters scurrying about the house, I didn't want to turn on the light because I didn't want to see anything scurrying about, so I carefully walked out of the bedroom and listened to see if I could pinpoint where the noise was coming from......I figured out the noise was coming from my upstairs bathroom....so I carefully walked into the bathroom and listened, the 'tink tink' and scratching noise was still there......so I took a deep breath and turned on the light. I quickly looked around to figure out where the 'tinking' was coming from. I have ceramic vase in the corner of the bathroom on a corner shelf and so very bravely while chanting to myself 'don't scream, don't scream, don't scream' I peered inside the vase.........sure enough the culprit was in there ..................a little black BAT!!!! Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!! I didn't scream, but I sure as hell didn't stick around either, I was down the stairs so fast I'm not sure if I even touched them......I woke up dh frantically telling him there was a bat in the bathrooom, my dh does not do well when woken, he was quite confused and groggy, but after much pleading on my part I got him to go up the stairs, luckily the little critter was still in the vase and not flying around or I think I may have been out of my front door prepared to sleep anywhere but inside the house. Dh put a magazine over the top of the vase and carried it and our little intruder outside and let him go, I wanted dh to kill it, but he just let it fly away......needless to say I didn't get much sleep after that. I figure it came in my heating vent in the bathroom because that one is not screwed to the wall and it was slid out to where it was about to fall out of the hole. So today I was browsing a local classified site and there was an ad for a wildlife control company - the leading sentence was 'Fall is the time of year when bats come inside looking for a place to winter' - I can attest to that! I tell you one thing......that bat is not wintering in my bathroom.....lets just hope he doesn't make a repeat appearance or 'crit.ter get.ters' will be getting a call and he won't be wintering at all.

I just don't get it

I read a story today on Ya.hoo news regarding a mix-up of sperm at an IVF clinc and a lawsuit that has ensued…..while certainly this is an awful situation, this isn’t the subject of this post. It was the comments that followed that really rattled me. There were dozens and dozens of comments from people stating their views on IVF, Infertility Treatments and people who are unable to conceive “the old fashioned way”, often times using the word 'selfish' to describe those who pursue treatment. While I certainly understand why IVF itself is controversial from a religious perspective, and I have nothing but respect for the people who follow their religion's teachings on the subject. What I don’t understand or respect are the people who so ignorantly believe that infertility is part of the natural selection process, the way nature intended it, survival of the fittest if you will, that those of us who are unable to conceive are genetically flawed and therefore rightfully unable to procreate, and by conceiving using medical intervention we are contaminating the gene pool and in turn adding to the already overpopulated world. SERIOUSLY WTF!!!!!!

By this mentality anyone who has an ailment of any sort, be it cancer, diabetes, or whatever would also be genetically flawed and by using artificial means i.e. medical intervention to stay alive are messing with the natural selection process as well, right? Am I wrong here? Why do we even have medical intervention for anything at all if it were ‘natural’ for some of us to die and some of us to live the way nature intended? Wouldn’t letting these ‘flawed’ people meet their demise also be helping this overwhelming overpopulation problem we have and cleaning up the gene pool?

We all know that everyone of those people who posted their opposition to fertility treatment would seek medical intervention for an illness or disease. Why does intervention for infertility get singled out as going against natural selection? How is this thinking rational or acceptable? I’m not talking about a couple people here, there were seriously dozens of commenters who felt this way. Why are infertility and the people who suffer from it so misunderstood? Where does this end? If we’re worried about contaminating the gene pool – shouldn’t there be some sort of medical screening or application process to procreate, shouldn’t we take it upon ourselves to only allow those who are genetically superior to conceive?

How did this world and the people in it get so screwed up? Someone help me understand.

Too Funny!

OMG....you have got to check this website out, it's freaking hilarious

http://www.*peopleof*walmart.*com/ (take out the *'s - I didn't want a search for this site to lead here)

Sorry, I've been slacking again, not much going on here.....leaving for the weekend to the lake again, more next week - have a good weekend.

August and other unimportant stuff

I am so ecstatic that August is over, August has been a historically bad month for me, I can't even count on two hands the close relatives, neighbors and friends, not to mention a little one of my own, who have passed away in the month of August, I don't know what it is about August, but I'm glad it's over.

The new Dan Bro.wn book comes out September 15, I have already pre-ordered my copy from B&N and CAN'T WAIT for its arrival......I am like a kid waiting for Christmas! Speaking of books, I finished the Twi.light Saga, I LOVED them, I wish there were more 'cuz I would keep reading, I'm actually sad that I'm done and will probably read them over again, but I've been completely neglecting all of my responsibilities in favor of reading, my house is a mess, laundry piled up and my dh is not amused....oops:) I started another co-worker on them and get cursed out every morning as the same thing is happening to her, they're addictive, I warned her - what can I say?

Leaving after work today for a long weekend at the lake, weather is supposed to be great, so it should be good. Only bad part is dh's grandma is coming too, for some reason this women thinks it is her God given right to stay at the house, while its fine to have her there once in a while, she has been there WAY more than her share this summer - the really bad part is that we only have one spare bedroom but it sleeps 5, when she is there she takes over the WHOLE bedroom, she has even put some of her clothes in the closet and leaves them there WTH!! So if we ever have company come to stay, which we do often - they have to sleep in the living room - who is going to kick a 75 year old women out of the bedroom? It annoys us all to no end, but what are you going to do?

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend - 'see' you all on Tuesday!

Take Action

This was posted on a message board I frequent and I thought it was important enough to pass on.

There is current legislation RIGHT NOW for the mandate of insurance companies to cover infertility treatments. Please, please, join me in sending a letter to your local state rep., and two senators. The official resolve website has made it EXTREMELY easy to contact them, all you have to do is go to this link http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ta_fedleg_home About half way down you can click the link that says "contact your representative" or "contact your two senators." These links will take you to a form where you fill in your personal info, and send! That's it. No pouring over wording, they've done all the work for us!

What a waste...

I work for a small law firm (not in my town of 80, in a larger town 10 miles away). When I started here 11 years ago, there were 3 attorneys/partners in our office, I was an assistant to one partner who was a mid 40's successful attorney. He had everything going for him, he was very intelligent, had a law degree and an MBA, a beautiful wife, a great son, a nice home. As time went on, we all noticed that things were starting to fall apart for him. He was missing deadlines, calling in sick, completely ignoring clients, it wasn't pretty. Around this same time he also started an affair with one of his clients, a big no no to say the least. It was his choice to leave his wife and pursue a relationship with this woman. This is where things really started to turn for the worst, his practice of law was severely compromised. The law firm had no choice but to ask him to leave. The reputation of the firm simply couldn't withstand all the bad things he was inflicting on himself.

At first he seemed to hold it together, he practiced in another town, moved in with his girlfriend, he seemed okay. About a year or so after he left the firm things got really bad, he got disbarred for life for a very serious offense I won't go into. He split with his girlfriend, and moved in with his father. His relationship with his son was severely strained from the affair. If finally came to light that he was an alcoholic and it was having a huge impact on his life. He kept losing jobs due to his drinking, one job was as a home door to door delivery of frozen foods, he lost this job when it was apparent he was drinking while driving the company truck for deliveries.....things kept spiraling from there. His drinking got worse, over the past year or so he was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning several times, was in and out of numerous treatment facilities, his family was told on 3 occasions that death was imminent, but somehow he kept pulling through, taking another shot at treatment and another attempt at straightening his life out. The senior partner at my office had lunch with him last week, while his health wasn't great, as he was in need of a liver transplant, and as most of you know they don't give livers to alcoholics, but he seemed to be doing okay. Well the battle apparently proved to be too much for him, yesterday after another lapse he died at the age of 55. So terribly sad, so terribly wasteful, while we all saw it coming, it's still devastating news to us all. We all feel like maybe there was more we could have done, but in reality he was the only one who could have saved himself.

If you're the praying type, please say a prayer for his family.

Weekend ramblings...

We had a really good weekend, though a little rough in spots. For those that don't know, I live in an itty bitty town, by itty bitty I mean there are a total of 80 people that live there, I'm sure you all didn't know places like this exist...but they do. Its the town my dh grew up in, my MIL and FIL still live there (we get along well so it works out). We love it, its like one big family, everyone watches out for everyone else, their property, their kids, at any given time all the kids in town are at one house or another playing together, if and when we have kids it will be a great place to raise them. The last thing is the tough part, IF is always the question. there are several young families in town, we are the only 'young people' (under 50) that do not have children. The kids create bonds among the town like nothing else, they take turns watching each other's kids, taking them places etc.....and what do we do? We sit by the sidelines, occasionally we socialize, but it seems people think we would be bothered by their children and since we don't have any they don't always invite us to the kid-friendly gatherings. Truthfully its a tough spot to be in and there are days when it hurts more than others. I see the camaraderie and friendships that are formed due to their kids and it makes my heart hurt even more.. This past weekend we decided to have a town picnic/celebration, it was filled fun and games for the kids, free homemade ice cream and ended with a potluck and an outdoor movie for the kids, while it was great fun even for us, I can't imagine what a great day it would have been had we little ones to share it with.

Five years ago today, we said goodbye to our first little angel, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of our little one and wonder what he/she would be like today. A bitter ending to a bittersweet weekend.

A glimmer of hope?

I did some digging into insurance policies BC/BS offers - the policy I'm covered under under group coverage through work does not cover and IF stuff - in fact prohibits IUI and IVF - I won't go into all that....anyway I was digging and found that they do have policies offered under individual coverage that provide IF coverage up to $15,000 lifetime for about what my office pays for my coverage under the group policy....now I have to figure out a way to get my work to pay for my policy applied for as indiviual coverage.....Option 1 - It gets billed directly to them and they pay it like they always have. Option 2 - I pay for it and they reimburse me. However, there is a question if my previous IF testing/treatment will be considered a pre-existing condition. Best case scenario-since I'm already covered with this company they will waive the pre-existing condition and I will have immediate coverage and can do IVF soon....worst case scenario I have to wait 365 days for IF coverage, I won't be able to do anything for a year and I can do IVF next year....either way, I starting to feel there may finally be a glimmer of light at the my tunnel!

Anyone have any experience with this pre-existing condition/insurance stuff? Any words of wisdom?

She stole my birth anouncement!

Little background, my dh is a huge fisherman, he used to be really into tournament fishing, though not so much anymore, he's more recreational now, but we have many friends that we met along the way that share this passion with us. Well some of our best friends in this 'circle' announced last Christmas that they were expecting. These details would only matter to an infertile- but they'd been together only a year and were not married, nor living together - and the mother-to-be let it slip to me how unwanted this pregnancy really was - she was on birth control and they were completely shocked-in fact she was in a deep depression for about the first three months and they told no one. Well they eventually got over it - and moved in together and all was well - although I'm sure you can imagine how this news tore me apart from the inside out.....we've been to see the baby and I've gotten over my jealousy, etc. etc. Fast forward ...they had the baby this June and are a happy little family.

In the fishing world - there are size restrictions on fish that can be kept to weigh-in for tournaments - fish that meet these reqirements are called 'keepers'. So it was always my dream when we finally had a baby to make it a cute play on words for our birth announcement stating that we finally had ourselves a 'keeper'.

So what do I get in the mail today? A birth announcement from the above mentioned friends with the cutest fishy on it that says 'He's a Keeper!" and inside all the adorable info and picture of their new little one.......just another reminder of how everyone else gets to live out my dreams....and I'm stuck in this cruel waiting game of infertility.

Happy Birthday

Today would have been my Dad's 73rd birthday. We lost him to an painful battle with pancreatic cancer 11 years ago this month. I miss him more than words can say. This is my favorite picture of us together.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!!

5 years

It was 5 years ago today that I saw the most beautiful sight I've ever experienced in my lifetime....two pink lines. We'd been trying for almost 10 months and my cycles were far from regular, I don't even remember now what prompted me to test, but I bought a test on my lunch hour and tested as soon as I got home from work........... it was immediately positive....I remember staring at it in shock, my heart beating rapidly - it was joy but it was also fear, I was suddenly scared, were we ready for this? None of our friends had kids, what were we going to do when they wanted to do things and we had to stay home with a baby? Could we afford a baby? So many questions ran through my mind, I actually had tears in my eyes when I told my husband, honestly they were more scared than happy tears, my husband was shocked as well, this is what we had been trying for for 10 months but now it had really happened - now what? I remember my next step was to take a long walk, I had so much running through my mind, so many things to think over, I took another test the next morning just to be sure....it too was immediately positive. It had started to sink in a little and I was actually starting to get excited, I made a doctor's appointment for later in the day and took a third test there - positive like the others.....I got the run down on the OB schedule, got a load of paperwork and pamplets to browse over the next few weeks til my next appointment....it was really real, we were really going to have a baby!! I finally allowed myself to get excited, we would figure it out, it was all going to be okay.....little did I know that day the way it would eventually turn out, but those few weeks were some of the best of my life. What I wouldn't give to have that chance again.

On another note, my step-father was in a very bad motor vehicle accident yesterday, he is in the hospital with multiple broken ribs and lots of cuts and brusies covering his body. He is 75 years old, so recovery will be painful and slow. He collided with another truck at an intersection, both vehicles were going full speed. He was in the wrong as he did not yield in the uncontrolled intersection and did not see the other pickup coming as his view was blocked by the tall corn. He is lucky to be alive.

Sometimes we just have to be grateful for miracles, even though they might not be the one we're praying for.

Has ttc permanently screwed me up?

My left hand has been tingling a lot lately, it feels like it falls asleep all the time, I hadn't thought much of it but it's been getting more frequent - so I type hand tingling into Web.MD. and the second article that comes up is about how people who take Metformin can get a vitamin B12 deficiency that can cause nerve damage which presents itself with symptoms like tingling hands and feet......I'm not on metformin anymore, but I was for about 3 years.....WTF?? They never told me about any side effects like that.....I don't of course know if that is what's causing it, now I don't know what to do, I hate my regular doctor, I think they would think I'm nuts if I go in claiming nerve damage...do I call my RE who prescribed my metformin? Do I wait it out and see if it keeps persisting? I absolutely HATE going to the doctor, perhaps why I drag my feet on my IF treatments for years on end. As if this IF crap isn't mentally damaging enough, now I may actually have physical damage too...Fabulous!

Email Joke Friday

So in an effort to become more active in my blog I'm going to start this weekly post on Fridays...we all get those funny emails that everyone forwards around, more often then not I don't even pay any attention to them, but occasionally there will be one that I do find funny....not very creative, but its all I got. So in an effort to add some humor to your Friday -here is my pick for the week:


RULES OF MARRIAGE -
as described by kids...

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10



2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10



3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8



4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8



5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.. -- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8



7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )



8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ...........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10

Hope that made you smile :) Have a great Friday!!

In the closet

about being a Twilight fan that is......everyone I've talked to that has read these books has just loved them - I was curious but had no intention of actually reading them. Then a friend at work had a copy she was reading because her friend -who is totally obsessed BTW- insisted she read it. Well she did and she was not impressed - her comments were that the books were juvenile and just really not that interesting and I took her word for it.....well after she finished she brought it to me just because we had been discussing it and she thought maybe I'd like to read it....so I went in thinking this is going to be stupid.....well I read it in two days.. that's pretty normal for me, once I get into a book I can't put it down, so during this two days the girl kept asking me what I thought - being embarassed to admit I was actually getting into it I claimed it to be 'okay'.....well I finished and still unenthusiastically reported that it was 'okay' - when in acutuality I REALLY enjoyed it and plan to read the next one as soon as I can get my hands on it - I wouldn't call it an obsession but I can't wait to read New Moon, shhhhh don't tell my co-worker :)

However, I rented the movie last night - it was TERRIBLE!!! I know movies based on books are never as good as the books but this one was really bad - it was just ALL WRONG and did a horrible job of portraying the true love story that the book is...they tried to horror film it all up and it was just bad. I think I'll stick with the books.

Bad Bad Blogger

Its been 6 weeks since I posted last! Welcome to my new followers! Since you joined I imagine I should write something to follow. I have no good excuse for not keeping up except its been a busy summer- but nothing has been going on to write about if that makes sense. Brief summary of the what's happened in the last 6 weeks along with some random facts about me.

• 2 more cycles ending the way they always do. It was five years ago this month that I got pg the very first time. Its been exactly four years since we were given the go ahead to ttc by my RE after my m/c testing and lap surgery.
• Nasty storm with grapefruit sized hail that luckily spared us (even though my car is still not fixed from my hit-n-run and dh's truck is still missing a topper window) we didn't receive any more damage. Downside - the body shops are now booked til November so our vehicles will probably have to wait until then.
• Trips to the lake with friends and their kiddos - fun times -but makes me yearn for a little one of our own even more. Dh had so much fun with our friend's 2 1/2 old little girl in the fishing boat - he was helping her reel in fish and let her drive the boat - so cute! What's not so fun is knowing your friends are holding back from talking about things around you - numerous times I walked in on conversations about b/c, when so and so was going to try for another etc etc. - with the conversations abruptly ending upon my arrival....yep I've become that girl people are afraid to talk about these things in front of.
• Trip to friends with newborn baby - I actually held the baby some and didn't want to run to the bathroom to cry - progress! For the first few months after my m/c's I refused to hold any and all babies. Most people didn't know what had happened to us, they must have thought I was some cold hearted b****
• Weather has been unormally cool this summer - I don't miss the heat at all but summer is almost over and it seems as though it hasn't really been summer yet. I inherited the wonderful family trait of being an excessive sweater....if its above 85 degrees I don't even have to move and my face sweats - its so sexy! :)
• Vacation at the lake in which I spent 4 of the 7 days on my hands and knees tiling/grouting/cleaning the floor. I can now single handedly lay ceramic tile - though I would never want to do it for a living. After helping the in-laws build the lake house I can do pretty much anything construction wise, build a wall, sheetrock, lay flooring - you name it, I've done it.
• Shopping for a new boat again, in the time that I've known my husband we have owned 9 different boats - we currently own 4. No we're not wealthy, or crazy.... we have one nice fishing boat that has been across the country since April, one really small duck boat for duck hunting, one medium fishing boat that stays at the lake house and another small fishing boat dh inherited from his grandfather that he would never part with.
• Oh, and reading everyone else's blogs everyday and never posting on my own :)

That about sums it up, I hope you'll stick with me blogger friends -I promise to do better!

8 years

Today is our wedding anniversary.....8 years I can hardly believe it. It seems like 20 after all that we have been through. Is it a day to celebrate?..I'm not sure, yes we've made it 8 years but it has certainly had its ups and downs, the one thing we have both longed for so long we still don't have. We've had a rough couple of weeks, first our boat, our pride and joy - mind you this boat is worth more than our house, is having lots of issues and is in Texas getting fixed, this is the second time in a matter of 3 or 4 years we have had this issue with our boat. DH is NOT happy. Then on Thursday last week my car got hit while it was parked in front of my office - of course the wonderful scumbag who hit it didn't leave a note or anything so I get to fix it myself ! Just what we needed when we're short on cash anyway. Then yesterday, we were having an issue with our four wheeler that we also had in the shop, come to find out there is something seriously wrong with it that will cost over $1000 to fix - LOVELY!!! So dh is crabby makes a comment last night that everything he has is JUNK....I know he didn't mean me, but I couldn't help but feel that I was just another thing in his life that is not in working order due to no fault of his own. It was just a really depressing moment for me. Nothing ever seems to go right in our world. It's hard to celebrate any day when things are just so crappy.

To top it all off I got a letter in the mail inviting me to my 15 year class reunion! Yay!! (Ok I'm lying) I have no intention of going... the main day activity is a get together at 'Miss Married Three Times' from my previous post a month or two ago - the one expecting her 4th child with her 50 something husband...Oh man, wouldn't I love to spend the day at their house! Not only that but the letter goes on and on about all the fun activities they have planned for the kids and in my response I need to tell them how many kids I will be bringing because they need to know how many sitters to round up....ummmmm Big FAT ZERO on all accounts, I am not attending your kiddie fest...I am not attending any of it - all I need is to go and see how well everyone elses lives have turned out and have to keep telling everyone I see "No we don't have any kids yet" - I'd rather shoot myself.

So things at our house are as turbulent as ever, here's hoping the next 8 years are something to celebrate.

Love This.....

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer,Cleveland ,Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else. 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I'm running out of friends!

We're grilling with some good friends of ours this evening, I haven't seen them for a long long time, it will be good to see them, but its just not like the good old days.....I'm sure most of you know where I'm going with this.

Couple #1 married 3 or 4 years after us, they have an adorable almost 2 year old and a little girl due this summer. Couple #2 - not married, dating for a couple of years AND expecting a little boy in about 4 weeks. Yep, even our unmarried friends are having kids before us now..ugh!! So I'll get to sit there all night listening to them talk about thier pregnancies, and birth story and their kid, yadda, yadda, yadda, I know the drill.....I plan to drink plenty, it seems to make these evenings at least a little more enjoyable. Its so hard to relate to pretty much anyone around our age group, perhaps we need to start going to college bars and make some really young pre-children friends. Hahaha...who am I kidding, I bet all college kids love to hang out with 30 somethings! Maybe they should have private bars,clubs,restaurants just for the infertile crowd. No children/talk of children and/or pregnancy allowed - full of activities only non-preggos can partake in, maybe a mechanical bull....and booze, lots and lots of booze!

Oh well...wish me luck, and not too big of a headache in the morning!

Why its wise not to live in small town...

especially the town you grew up in. I was out on my lunch hour today, the town has city-wide rummage sales, being the bargain hunter than I am and as a way to kill a lunch hour, I stopped at a few, while its inevitable that I run into people that I know, its also inevitable that I run into someone who gives me that 'I just want to throw up on your feet' feeling.

This girl I graduated high school with just happened to be the recipeint of this feeling today. She was always Miss Popular and actually she was a really nice girl, just spoiled and uppity, you know the type, since we graduated from high school (which is a while a go but still a relatively short time) she has been married 3 times!! That's right, she's on her 3rd husband, no kiddos with hubby #1, hubby #2 she had twin boys and another boy. Now hubby #3 is at least 15 years her senior, we're talking late forties maybe early fifties, assuming since she has married an older man and already has 3 small children the last thing I expected to see when she turned towards me was a big ol' preggo belly, but that's just what I saw...there she was with her youngest boy oooing and aaaaing over the little girl clothes that were for sale, apparently she's having a girl this time, it took all Ihad to muster a response when she said hello. There are times when I wish I had one of those teleporters like they used to have in Star Trek, I would have beamed myself right the heck out of there. Man wouldn't that be great! Wait, I take that back, I would have stayed and beamed her preggo butt out of my sight! Instead, like always, I hang my head, not needing any of the adorable baby clothes she is so interested in, I head back to my empty, lonely car.

So I've finally figured out how to post my TTC journey on the right of my blog, it only took me a few months....I must admit I may just be as technology challenged as I am reproductively challenged.

Nothing new in ttc land, nothing much new at all. Its tax day!!!!! Can we get a big Wahoo!!!!!!! I will finally be able to get back to all of my work duties that get neglected during tax season, I've got a stack of filing on my desk taller than my computer - yikes!!

I've really been thinking hard about refinancing our mortgage, borrowing some more money against our house and stashing it away in case we need to do IVF.......we've got a lot of equity and if we decide not to do it, I can always pay it back....I just can't decide, I really wish I didn't have to make decisions like this. I am just SO scared that I will spend $15,000 that we don't have and have nothing to show for it. It might be the riskiest decison I've ever had to make, probably why I only talk about it and never do it.

Weather is still cold and crappy here, the grass is slowing starting to green up, maybe spring is in sight after all. I sure hope so, this has been the longest winter I can ever remember.

That's all for now, now that tax season is over perhaps I will have a little more time to blog....even though I have nothing to blog about :)

Waiting....

First I have to apologize for my random unorganized posts, I try to do this between tasks and therefore my posts are disjointed and rambling.

Not much going on in my world, I'm patiently waiting for tax season to be over (3 weeks to go, thank the Lord!!)

I'm patiently waiting for spring to really arrive. Its seems all I do is wait, wait for the weekend, wait for ovulation, wait for AF, wait for the next party or vacatation....waiting for my 'life' to really begin. I have always felt that my real married life wouldn't begin until we had children. Right now I feel like we are just stuck in those almost dating like days, like we won't be a real permanent family until we have kids. After 8 years you'd think I'd get over that.

I need to work on living for the moment, living today for today, not just as a means to get to Friday. Is is that I have so little going on in my life that the biggest thrill is the weekend? Sadly I think that might be true.

We've been working like crazy on the lake house we are helping dh's parents build. We are getting really close to having the inside done, I've been focusing on shades, blinds and curtains for the past two weeks, its odd to obsess over something other than TTC, but it feels good. I'm 'patiently waiting' for the snow and ice to melt up there so we can be outside and enjoy the fresh air and the sight and sound of the water lapping against the shoreline in front of the house. I am so looking forward to getting back out on the water, its one place dh and I are truly happy. When we sit at home in our empty house, its just a reminder of what we don't have. When we're on the water, we're free, we're happy. So we wait...

Another blow to the head...

A little back history, my dad died when I was 22 and my mom remarried about 9 years ago, she married a great guy, his children however are a little different, particularly his only son 'D', he's spent his whole life in trouble and distress, prison, bankruptcy, drugs, divorces, pothead and psycho wives, suicide attempts, you name it, he's been there, so anyway he has two girls with his first wife, who has spent most of their life either strung out or in jail for drugs, the oldest is about 15.....he takes care of them when he can, right now he is still recovering from his suicide attempt wherein he took a 22 rifle and put it under his chin and pulled the trigger in the driveway of his ex-wife's home, luckily the bullet ricocheted of the roof of his mouth and did alot of damage, but did not kill him. So he is not working, in fact I don't think he even has a place to live.

So yesterday I'm casually talking to my sister and she says they are starting 'D''s daughter today....I said WHAT? What do you mean starting her? And my sister says - oh she's pregnant.....WHOOAA....One.. nobody mentioned this to me before...Two.. she's 15 and in a hopelessly sad and desolate situation, her mother doesn't want her or the baby, so she is going to be living with her dad - WHERE? like I said I don't even know where he is living, he has NO money or job and how he's got a new baby and a 15 old daughter to support....there is someting seriously F'ed up with this picture...no wonder no one wanted to tell me about it. The voice in my head is screaming louder than normal WHY??????????????? Why her and not me?

Somebody make the screaming stop.....

Birthday

Today is my 33rd birthday.....am I excited its my birthday? I couldn't be farther from it, another year has passed, another year without a child of my own, another year closer to the inability to ever have any children. Another year of heartache of longing for something I may never have. Did I ever in my life think I woudl be childless at 33? Not in my wildest dreams.

Why does every occasion in an infertiles life have to be tainted in this way, once I would like something to celebrate, once I would like to look back and say this was a good year. Once I would like to be thankful for what I do have instead of mourning what I don't.

Happy Birthday? I wish.....

I haven't blogged in a while, I just havn't been feeling inspired to write about anything, its seems my day to day life just goes by without incident, without anything special to write about. How sad is that, that I don't even feel happy enough about myself or my life to even write a few sentences about it every few days.....very sad.

Disturbing

I'm talking about the octuplet mom....I just can't let it go, I am angry at the unfairness of it all, I am angry at all the publicity its getting all of which only outcome will give ART and IVF a VERY bad name, I am disturbed that there is an RE out there who would transfer 8 frozen embryos at once, especially to a single mom that already has 6 children under the age of 7 - who is this guy? How on God's earth did she afford IVF for 14 children? How on earth will she feed/take care of 14 children by herself? It just makes me so sad and angry, I realize that doctors job is not to police how many children a person can have, but WHY WHY WHY ? Who in thier right mind would let this happen?

You gotta hand it to her

My best friend Aunt Flo that is, she really knows how to keep me guessing, I'm having a cycle like never before, but that's no surprise, browsing my fertility friend account, I don't have a typical cycle, not a one....this cycle, spotting on CD 17, EWCM on 21 and 22 along with a + OPK, now spotting 7 or 8 dpo, then no spotting, then spotting again, all spotting has been very very minimal an only light brown and mucousy, so who the hell knows what's going on, I'm feeling very crampy, but this is going on long enough for me just to get my hopes up....I've got plans for the weekend to play softball in the snow and hang out outside with friends all day Saturday, so I am sure she will show up just in time to make my life miserable and difficult by showing up at the worst possible time.....like I said you gotta hand it to her, villian that she is, she is very very good at it.

Spot.....

Need I say more.....

Blech...

So Saturday night I woke up about midnight with the worst stomachache and proceeded to the bathroom to throw up several times, went back to bed, woke up feeling a bit better but still very achy and my stomach very unsettled, spent all day on the couch Sunday.....my husband was totally convinced I'm pg...dumb boys...I would've only been 5 or 6 dpo on Sunday, not way morning sickness kicks in that fast, but of course he had to put the idea in my head....well the achiness has subsided but my stomach is still upset, everytime I eat something I feel icky and end up burping up the taste of whatever I ate for hours (TMI I know).....I KNOW its impossible, why does the body have to be so tricky? My husband wanted me to pee on a stick immediately (he even used the words POAS) I don't know where he got that from, I have NEVER used that terminology with him...but I refuse, I have some serious partying planned for the weekend, its the annual winter games celebration in a town near me which involves getting up at 7 am to play softball on the snow and also begin drinking at 7a.m., just to satisfy myself that I am not harming anyone but myself I will test Friday morning, but not until then....I know better.

Got my Rock on....

I have a list of things I want to do/experience before I die, morbid maybe, but you gotta have goals right? Anyway an AC/DC concert was on that list, since the boys are not spring chickens anymore I thought my chances were probably slim, well to my excitement they began a new tour and were scheduled to come to a city near me. Being the spaz that I am I didn't pay attention to when the tickets went on sale and before I knew it the day passed and the tickets were completely sold out - I was sad and upset that I let this chance go by, but a little hopeful that somehow I could still fulfill this item on my list, so I started frequenting e.bay and craigs.list and to my dismay the tickets were selling for upwards of $200 per ticket- yikes! I refused to pay that although face value was over a $100 per ticket, I was bound a determined to find another way. I remember that often after the actual final stage configuration is set in stone they often sell tickets they previously had blocked off, so I started checking t.icketmaster daily time was running out with only 5 days to the concert and I thought all efforts were lost.....but lo and behold 3 days to concert time I hit the jackpot, not only were there tickets for sale but AWESOME ones at that, I quickly bought them and started making plans for this list worthy trip.

The concert was last night and it was pretty much all I had hoped it would be, my seats were unbelievable, right next to the state but a couple rows up so I could see everything. Angus was A M A Z I N G - he is truly an unbelievable talent - its like the music posesses him, it would be nearly impossible to find another musician who throws himself completely into the performance the way he does, I have been to many concerts in my day and have never seen anything even close to that. I was kicking myself for not bringing a camera or even my cell phone, I guess I will just have to keep those images locked in my head.The concert rocked, my ears were still ringing as i went to bed last night, but I think it was a small price to pay to say that I rocked out with rock and roll legends!

Unhappy

I am not a happy person, I am unhappy because my infertility has consumed me. My babies died, there isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of that fact, I realize people have miscarriages and lose loved ones all the time, I don’t think I’m special or deserve special treatment, but nevertheless, the grief is still very real to me and has a huge effect on me. When most people suffer miscarriages, they get pregnant again and go on to be the parents they hoped and dreamed of becoming. This has not been the case for me. We have been trying for over 5 years, everyday that goes by, I get older and the dream of being a mother gets further from my reach. While there are some options for treatment and advanced reproductive technology, these are things we cannot afford, my insurance plan only covers diagnostic testing, it does not cover any infertility treatment, in fact the policy book now states that if I do have any procedures done and pay for them out of my pocket, they will discontinue all of my coverage as it relates to infertility…doesn’t leave me any options. Treatments that increase chances by only a few percent cost $3,000 to $4,000 per cycle, In Vitro Fertilization which only has about 50% success rates, one cycle costs over $12,000.00. While that may not sound like a lot of money that’s half of what I bring home in a year, and that’s only for a chance, no guarantees. If we were to take a loan for that kind of money, and it actually worked, with the added costs of actually raising a child (or children as IVF usually results in multiples), and our expenses as they are and the way they are rising, we simply couldn’t make it. These procedures involve numerous, at times daily, doctor visits, poking and prodding that I won’t go into, extremely expensive drugs administered at home by injections with needles, the drugs have numerous side effects….all of these things for a 50% shot. All of that for something that almost any moron, thief, murderer, drug addict, 13 year old, pretty much anyone, can accomplish with ease. They say that often times an infertile woman’s state of mind or depression level is like that of someone with a diagnosis of terminal cancer, I wouldn’t disagree.

Now people are quick to chime in with ‘why don’t you adopt?’ Adoption is an very expensive option, an average domestic adoption costs around $30,000.00, we cannot afford that, plus you have to jump through so many hoops, and someone out there has to choose you, you have to sell yourself to someone in hopes that they may even consider you to be a parent, as you know, the state has all kinds of rules and regulations before they consider you fit, your financial situation, which in our case is not great, your extended family, the home you live in, I could go on and on, its not an easy option, waiting time can be years. Not to mention the emotional aspects of never knowing what your biological children would have been like, the stigma and negativity that goes with adoption, people thinking less of an adopted child, or stereotyping the type of people that would give their children up for adoption, and in the process stereotyping your child, for example as a baby of a drug addict, or worse. While these are things I could get past, the financial issue is not.

So all of this leaves me childless, feeling defective, betrayed by my body, bitter, hopeless, sad and at times, probably irritable, I cannot even begin to explain the despair that I feel not only for myself, for my husband, for my in-laws who will never have a grandchild at all if we don’t give them one, I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. These thoughts and feelings consume me everyday, I try to not let it consume me, and some days are better than others, I can guarantee my worst days are the days when yet another one of our friends announced they are having their second or third baby, or our neighbor’s 15 year old daughter is pregnant, or another person I know completely takes their child or their pregnancy for granted, these things have a huge emotional drain on me. We have very, very few friends who don’t have children, its very hard to be friends with people, most anyone close to our age are parents and they want to talk about their children, their lives revolve around them, I simply can’t relate, it causes me to turn inward, it causes me much bitterness and resentment. To add fuel to this fire, my husband is very adamant that we don’t share our struggles with anyone, he feels it is our business and our business alone, honestly, only a couple close friends are the only ones who even know what we’re going through, others may know on some level, but we have never told them.

Why does life have to be this hard, I know life is unfair, but why do some of us have such a huge burden to bear and others none at all? Add it to the list of things I will never understand.

Seriously.....

Spotting.....CD 17.....WTH???? Need I say more...I've felt like I may some cysts leftover from last medicated cycle so who knows what is going on, hopefully nothing too bad, I just don't have the energy to go get it checked out, hopefull it will resolve itself, why can't my body just behave normally?

Good gracious!!!

So I wrote the other day I started cleaning out one of our spare bedrooms, I was feeling pretty motivated so I kept on going, closets, bedrooms, attic - I hauled 4 carloads of stuff to the thrift store, and ended up with 14 huge garbage bags of stuff to throw away - can you say PACKRAT!!! It feels so good to have that stuff all cleaned out, I've got some organizing to do yet but I'm really feeling like I've accomplished alot, a good start to a fresh new year!

Cleaning up...

I was cleaning out our spare bedroom last night and came across I file of papers essays etc. I had written over the years in high school and college. I was completely amazed that I wrote those papers, I'm one of those people that remembers EVERYTHING, I can tell you the most minute details about almost everything in my life, its freaky actually, but some of these papers....I have no recollection of writing them, if they didn't have my name on them I would have thought someone else wrote them. I used to be so open minded and if I do say so myself, I was smart, I had the whole world ahead of me and I saw things so differently then....it was obvious in every sentence that I wrote no matter the subject.

It made me sad, I miss that wide eyed innocent girl. The one who hadn't yet been betrayed and scorned by life, she had her whole life ahead of her, so much optimism and hope....I miss her so much, I wish everyday I had a time machine and could go back to those days and make so many decisions in my life differently, but I can't, so I just have to try to learn something from that girl, try to find that optimism and hope back somehow.....

Living my whole adult lifehood in small town nowhere has certainly changed me, I never saw myself here, but here I am, I've forgotten all the wonderful things that are out there, I've decided that I need to get some of that old me back, I need to keep learning, I need to stop making ttc my one and only obsession, I am going to check out some classes at our local community college, I used to love literature and poetry classes, I'd love to learn more about photography, I've got to open my world to all those things that used to be important to me, I'm really excited, I've been contemplating therapy for a while now, I think just some non-ttc outlet is gonna be just what I need.

My story

I thought I'd give a go at this, I love to read everyone else's blogs, I thought I would start my own.

So I'm 32, soon to be 33 and as my title implies very reproductively challenged. It all started in in June, 2001, we were married but were not in a big hurry to have kids, we had bought an old house we were remodeling, which took a couple years, we weren’t making much money, had big student loans, etc….Thanksgiving 2003 we decided to give it a try…we were so excited...4 months went by, then 9 months and I was starting to get worried something was wrong and then in August of 2004 we got a surprising beautiful BFP, everything was going well, I was feeling good, we were SO excited I had started telling people, I told my family at 8 weeks, the very next day I started spotting on a Saturday went to my Dr first thing Monday morning, she did an exam and sent me for an u/s, by this time I was bleeding a little more and was sure it was all over, did the u/s and there was our little bean, heart beating away, but measuring 6wks instead of 8wks, they were optimistic, I was completely clueless, but I knew despite the heartbeat, it was not good, the bleeding and cramping got worse as the day went on, they wanted to me to wait 2 days to come back, but I insisted on an u/s the next morning and my little bean wasn’t there any more.

We were so devastated, but still hopeful, so we waited one cycle and tried again, and the very 1st month we got a very faint positive, so faint I wasn’t sure it was real …I kept testing waiting for the line to get darker and at 6 wks finally tested with a digital which popped up “Pregnant”, the next morning before I could even make a dr. appt. I started cramping and bleeding heavily, went in and they took blood, I was pg, but the numbers were on their way down, again devastation but this time with panic – why did this happen again!! My dr. set up an appt. with an RE to do some testing for recurrent m/c, they tested me for everything under the sun and then I had a consultation with my RE, the only things that came back abnormal was that I have MTHFR – which is a gene mutation that can cause blood clotting issues and the way your body absorbs folic acid and they suspected I had PCOS, so we did more testing and u/s and they found a gigantic 8cm cyst on my ovary, they started me on glucophage for the PCOS and baby aspirin and folic acid for the MTHFR and birth control pills to see if we could shrink the cyst, they also did an HSG which was completely clear and normal, the cyst did not budge so they wanted to do lap surgery to remove it, I had to wait until tax season was over and had the surgery in May of 2005, they removed the cyst and also found some mild spots of endo which they removed, at my follow up appt the dr. was sure with all the “cleaning up” they did and the glucophage, that I would get pg easily.

So we tried and tried, 6 months went by and I was getting impatient, the RE suggested Clomid, so with great optimism we tried it for 3 cycles, with u/s and trigger shots, but nothing, took a little break and did two more higher dose cycles, at my last u/s which was by this time October 2006, they told me that I had another large cyst and would probably need surgery again and they would want to move on to injectibles…..I went out to my vehicle and bawled and bawled, I knew we couldn’t afford injectibles, my insurance does not cover fertility drugs and will not allow IUI or IVF, and I did NOT want to go through surgery again.

So two years passed and I hoped, and cried and prayed and started posting on community message boards for other girls like me. A very kind woman that I met offered me a very generous gift - she had suffered numerous miscarriages and was giving ttc up for good and had tons of injectible meds leftover, I of course took her up on this generous offer and set up a long overdue appointment with my RE. I had to start testing all over again since it had been so long, everything turned out normal and we were off and running. My first injectible cycle went great, I had 4 large follicles on CD 10 and triggered, but unfortunately it didn't work and we tried a second cycle.

The second cycle was frustrating to say the least, I took the injections til CD 21 and finally had some follicles big enough to trigger but sadly again, no pregnancy. So I am at another crossroad in my journey, do I try to scrape the money up for IVF, do I give up altogether? I have also thought of seeing A NaPro doctor, I think this will most likely be my next step.....you'll just have to stay tuned to find out:)