Weekend ramblings...

We had a really good weekend, though a little rough in spots. For those that don't know, I live in an itty bitty town, by itty bitty I mean there are a total of 80 people that live there, I'm sure you all didn't know places like this exist...but they do. Its the town my dh grew up in, my MIL and FIL still live there (we get along well so it works out). We love it, its like one big family, everyone watches out for everyone else, their property, their kids, at any given time all the kids in town are at one house or another playing together, if and when we have kids it will be a great place to raise them. The last thing is the tough part, IF is always the question. there are several young families in town, we are the only 'young people' (under 50) that do not have children. The kids create bonds among the town like nothing else, they take turns watching each other's kids, taking them places etc.....and what do we do? We sit by the sidelines, occasionally we socialize, but it seems people think we would be bothered by their children and since we don't have any they don't always invite us to the kid-friendly gatherings. Truthfully its a tough spot to be in and there are days when it hurts more than others. I see the camaraderie and friendships that are formed due to their kids and it makes my heart hurt even more.. This past weekend we decided to have a town picnic/celebration, it was filled fun and games for the kids, free homemade ice cream and ended with a potluck and an outdoor movie for the kids, while it was great fun even for us, I can't imagine what a great day it would have been had we little ones to share it with.

Five years ago today, we said goodbye to our first little angel, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of our little one and wonder what he/she would be like today. A bitter ending to a bittersweet weekend.

A glimmer of hope?

I did some digging into insurance policies BC/BS offers - the policy I'm covered under under group coverage through work does not cover and IF stuff - in fact prohibits IUI and IVF - I won't go into all that....anyway I was digging and found that they do have policies offered under individual coverage that provide IF coverage up to $15,000 lifetime for about what my office pays for my coverage under the group policy....now I have to figure out a way to get my work to pay for my policy applied for as indiviual coverage.....Option 1 - It gets billed directly to them and they pay it like they always have. Option 2 - I pay for it and they reimburse me. However, there is a question if my previous IF testing/treatment will be considered a pre-existing condition. Best case scenario-since I'm already covered with this company they will waive the pre-existing condition and I will have immediate coverage and can do IVF soon....worst case scenario I have to wait 365 days for IF coverage, I won't be able to do anything for a year and I can do IVF next year....either way, I starting to feel there may finally be a glimmer of light at the my tunnel!

Anyone have any experience with this pre-existing condition/insurance stuff? Any words of wisdom?

She stole my birth anouncement!

Little background, my dh is a huge fisherman, he used to be really into tournament fishing, though not so much anymore, he's more recreational now, but we have many friends that we met along the way that share this passion with us. Well some of our best friends in this 'circle' announced last Christmas that they were expecting. These details would only matter to an infertile- but they'd been together only a year and were not married, nor living together - and the mother-to-be let it slip to me how unwanted this pregnancy really was - she was on birth control and they were completely shocked-in fact she was in a deep depression for about the first three months and they told no one. Well they eventually got over it - and moved in together and all was well - although I'm sure you can imagine how this news tore me apart from the inside out.....we've been to see the baby and I've gotten over my jealousy, etc. etc. Fast forward ...they had the baby this June and are a happy little family.

In the fishing world - there are size restrictions on fish that can be kept to weigh-in for tournaments - fish that meet these reqirements are called 'keepers'. So it was always my dream when we finally had a baby to make it a cute play on words for our birth announcement stating that we finally had ourselves a 'keeper'.

So what do I get in the mail today? A birth announcement from the above mentioned friends with the cutest fishy on it that says 'He's a Keeper!" and inside all the adorable info and picture of their new little one.......just another reminder of how everyone else gets to live out my dreams....and I'm stuck in this cruel waiting game of infertility.

Happy Birthday

Today would have been my Dad's 73rd birthday. We lost him to an painful battle with pancreatic cancer 11 years ago this month. I miss him more than words can say. This is my favorite picture of us together.

Happy Birthday Dad! I love you!!

5 years

It was 5 years ago today that I saw the most beautiful sight I've ever experienced in my lifetime....two pink lines. We'd been trying for almost 10 months and my cycles were far from regular, I don't even remember now what prompted me to test, but I bought a test on my lunch hour and tested as soon as I got home from work........... it was immediately positive....I remember staring at it in shock, my heart beating rapidly - it was joy but it was also fear, I was suddenly scared, were we ready for this? None of our friends had kids, what were we going to do when they wanted to do things and we had to stay home with a baby? Could we afford a baby? So many questions ran through my mind, I actually had tears in my eyes when I told my husband, honestly they were more scared than happy tears, my husband was shocked as well, this is what we had been trying for for 10 months but now it had really happened - now what? I remember my next step was to take a long walk, I had so much running through my mind, so many things to think over, I took another test the next morning just to be sure....it too was immediately positive. It had started to sink in a little and I was actually starting to get excited, I made a doctor's appointment for later in the day and took a third test there - positive like the others.....I got the run down on the OB schedule, got a load of paperwork and pamplets to browse over the next few weeks til my next appointment....it was really real, we were really going to have a baby!! I finally allowed myself to get excited, we would figure it out, it was all going to be okay.....little did I know that day the way it would eventually turn out, but those few weeks were some of the best of my life. What I wouldn't give to have that chance again.

On another note, my step-father was in a very bad motor vehicle accident yesterday, he is in the hospital with multiple broken ribs and lots of cuts and brusies covering his body. He is 75 years old, so recovery will be painful and slow. He collided with another truck at an intersection, both vehicles were going full speed. He was in the wrong as he did not yield in the uncontrolled intersection and did not see the other pickup coming as his view was blocked by the tall corn. He is lucky to be alive.

Sometimes we just have to be grateful for miracles, even though they might not be the one we're praying for.

Has ttc permanently screwed me up?

My left hand has been tingling a lot lately, it feels like it falls asleep all the time, I hadn't thought much of it but it's been getting more frequent - so I type hand tingling into Web.MD. and the second article that comes up is about how people who take Metformin can get a vitamin B12 deficiency that can cause nerve damage which presents itself with symptoms like tingling hands and feet......I'm not on metformin anymore, but I was for about 3 years.....WTF?? They never told me about any side effects like that.....I don't of course know if that is what's causing it, now I don't know what to do, I hate my regular doctor, I think they would think I'm nuts if I go in claiming nerve damage...do I call my RE who prescribed my metformin? Do I wait it out and see if it keeps persisting? I absolutely HATE going to the doctor, perhaps why I drag my feet on my IF treatments for years on end. As if this IF crap isn't mentally damaging enough, now I may actually have physical damage too...Fabulous!

Email Joke Friday

So in an effort to become more active in my blog I'm going to start this weekly post on Fridays...we all get those funny emails that everyone forwards around, more often then not I don't even pay any attention to them, but occasionally there will be one that I do find funny....not very creative, but its all I got. So in an effort to add some humor to your Friday -here is my pick for the week:


RULES OF MARRIAGE -
as described by kids...

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10



2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10



3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.-- Derrick, age 8



4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8



5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.. -- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8



7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )



8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ...........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . -- Ricky , age 10

Hope that made you smile :) Have a great Friday!!

In the closet

about being a Twilight fan that is......everyone I've talked to that has read these books has just loved them - I was curious but had no intention of actually reading them. Then a friend at work had a copy she was reading because her friend -who is totally obsessed BTW- insisted she read it. Well she did and she was not impressed - her comments were that the books were juvenile and just really not that interesting and I took her word for it.....well after she finished she brought it to me just because we had been discussing it and she thought maybe I'd like to read it....so I went in thinking this is going to be stupid.....well I read it in two days.. that's pretty normal for me, once I get into a book I can't put it down, so during this two days the girl kept asking me what I thought - being embarassed to admit I was actually getting into it I claimed it to be 'okay'.....well I finished and still unenthusiastically reported that it was 'okay' - when in acutuality I REALLY enjoyed it and plan to read the next one as soon as I can get my hands on it - I wouldn't call it an obsession but I can't wait to read New Moon, shhhhh don't tell my co-worker :)

However, I rented the movie last night - it was TERRIBLE!!! I know movies based on books are never as good as the books but this one was really bad - it was just ALL WRONG and did a horrible job of portraying the true love story that the book is...they tried to horror film it all up and it was just bad. I think I'll stick with the books.