Thursday, October 22, 2009

Still here...

Sorry for being so MIA…I’ve just been in sort of a funk and have lots of stuff running through my head lately.

I don’t really like to play the ‘what’s worse game’ because I have only lived my life and can’t begin know what it feels like to be in other peoples shoes. Grief is grief and I’m not about to say that someone’s pain and suffering should or should not be worse than someone else’s, but I often wonder in the context of my own life…..would it have been better to have never experienced a pg and known loss? If it was my life path to lose my child would it be better or worse to have known the child first before they were taken away. I have a cousin who also suffers from IF….she lost an ovary and struggled to get pg..she finally did and they had a beautiful boy. When he was about 7 years old, he was diagnosed with cancer in his hip, they fought it hard, it involved lots treatment, amputation of his leg, lots of pain and suffering and after 3 years they lost the battle and he died when he was 10 years old. They were unable to have any more children. Would I have rather been in her shoes than my own? Would I want to endure that pain for the short time they had with him? I think my answer would be yes. While what they experienced was horrible and heart breaking, their memories, pictures, mementos are lasting proof their enduring love for their child, others got to know and love their child and also share in their loss.

Infertility is such a silent suffering, no matter who may try to be there for you, the pain and suffering is still all your own.
Everyone always talks about losing a child is the worse thing anyone can imagine. I don’t argue that. But my issue is what I wouldn’t give to have been able to see, to hold, to experience even for a short time the life of my children. To know whether we had sons or daughters or one of each. To know what they looked like, to hear their voice, see their sweet faces. It’s the age old question ‘is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?....or as I’m asking…..Is it better to have been a mother and lost or to have never been a ‘mother’ at all?

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