Waiting....

First I have to apologize for my random unorganized posts, I try to do this between tasks and therefore my posts are disjointed and rambling.

Not much going on in my world, I'm patiently waiting for tax season to be over (3 weeks to go, thank the Lord!!)

I'm patiently waiting for spring to really arrive. Its seems all I do is wait, wait for the weekend, wait for ovulation, wait for AF, wait for the next party or vacatation....waiting for my 'life' to really begin. I have always felt that my real married life wouldn't begin until we had children. Right now I feel like we are just stuck in those almost dating like days, like we won't be a real permanent family until we have kids. After 8 years you'd think I'd get over that.

I need to work on living for the moment, living today for today, not just as a means to get to Friday. Is is that I have so little going on in my life that the biggest thrill is the weekend? Sadly I think that might be true.

We've been working like crazy on the lake house we are helping dh's parents build. We are getting really close to having the inside done, I've been focusing on shades, blinds and curtains for the past two weeks, its odd to obsess over something other than TTC, but it feels good. I'm 'patiently waiting' for the snow and ice to melt up there so we can be outside and enjoy the fresh air and the sight and sound of the water lapping against the shoreline in front of the house. I am so looking forward to getting back out on the water, its one place dh and I are truly happy. When we sit at home in our empty house, its just a reminder of what we don't have. When we're on the water, we're free, we're happy. So we wait...

Another blow to the head...

A little back history, my dad died when I was 22 and my mom remarried about 9 years ago, she married a great guy, his children however are a little different, particularly his only son 'D', he's spent his whole life in trouble and distress, prison, bankruptcy, drugs, divorces, pothead and psycho wives, suicide attempts, you name it, he's been there, so anyway he has two girls with his first wife, who has spent most of their life either strung out or in jail for drugs, the oldest is about 15.....he takes care of them when he can, right now he is still recovering from his suicide attempt wherein he took a 22 rifle and put it under his chin and pulled the trigger in the driveway of his ex-wife's home, luckily the bullet ricocheted of the roof of his mouth and did alot of damage, but did not kill him. So he is not working, in fact I don't think he even has a place to live.

So yesterday I'm casually talking to my sister and she says they are starting 'D''s daughter today....I said WHAT? What do you mean starting her? And my sister says - oh she's pregnant.....WHOOAA....One.. nobody mentioned this to me before...Two.. she's 15 and in a hopelessly sad and desolate situation, her mother doesn't want her or the baby, so she is going to be living with her dad - WHERE? like I said I don't even know where he is living, he has NO money or job and how he's got a new baby and a 15 old daughter to support....there is someting seriously F'ed up with this picture...no wonder no one wanted to tell me about it. The voice in my head is screaming louder than normal WHY??????????????? Why her and not me?

Somebody make the screaming stop.....

Birthday

Today is my 33rd birthday.....am I excited its my birthday? I couldn't be farther from it, another year has passed, another year without a child of my own, another year closer to the inability to ever have any children. Another year of heartache of longing for something I may never have. Did I ever in my life think I woudl be childless at 33? Not in my wildest dreams.

Why does every occasion in an infertiles life have to be tainted in this way, once I would like something to celebrate, once I would like to look back and say this was a good year. Once I would like to be thankful for what I do have instead of mourning what I don't.

Happy Birthday? I wish.....