Unhappy

I am not a happy person, I am unhappy because my infertility has consumed me. My babies died, there isn’t an hour that goes by that I don’t think of that fact, I realize people have miscarriages and lose loved ones all the time, I don’t think I’m special or deserve special treatment, but nevertheless, the grief is still very real to me and has a huge effect on me. When most people suffer miscarriages, they get pregnant again and go on to be the parents they hoped and dreamed of becoming. This has not been the case for me. We have been trying for over 5 years, everyday that goes by, I get older and the dream of being a mother gets further from my reach. While there are some options for treatment and advanced reproductive technology, these are things we cannot afford, my insurance plan only covers diagnostic testing, it does not cover any infertility treatment, in fact the policy book now states that if I do have any procedures done and pay for them out of my pocket, they will discontinue all of my coverage as it relates to infertility…doesn’t leave me any options. Treatments that increase chances by only a few percent cost $3,000 to $4,000 per cycle, In Vitro Fertilization which only has about 50% success rates, one cycle costs over $12,000.00. While that may not sound like a lot of money that’s half of what I bring home in a year, and that’s only for a chance, no guarantees. If we were to take a loan for that kind of money, and it actually worked, with the added costs of actually raising a child (or children as IVF usually results in multiples), and our expenses as they are and the way they are rising, we simply couldn’t make it. These procedures involve numerous, at times daily, doctor visits, poking and prodding that I won’t go into, extremely expensive drugs administered at home by injections with needles, the drugs have numerous side effects….all of these things for a 50% shot. All of that for something that almost any moron, thief, murderer, drug addict, 13 year old, pretty much anyone, can accomplish with ease. They say that often times an infertile woman’s state of mind or depression level is like that of someone with a diagnosis of terminal cancer, I wouldn’t disagree.

Now people are quick to chime in with ‘why don’t you adopt?’ Adoption is an very expensive option, an average domestic adoption costs around $30,000.00, we cannot afford that, plus you have to jump through so many hoops, and someone out there has to choose you, you have to sell yourself to someone in hopes that they may even consider you to be a parent, as you know, the state has all kinds of rules and regulations before they consider you fit, your financial situation, which in our case is not great, your extended family, the home you live in, I could go on and on, its not an easy option, waiting time can be years. Not to mention the emotional aspects of never knowing what your biological children would have been like, the stigma and negativity that goes with adoption, people thinking less of an adopted child, or stereotyping the type of people that would give their children up for adoption, and in the process stereotyping your child, for example as a baby of a drug addict, or worse. While these are things I could get past, the financial issue is not.

So all of this leaves me childless, feeling defective, betrayed by my body, bitter, hopeless, sad and at times, probably irritable, I cannot even begin to explain the despair that I feel not only for myself, for my husband, for my in-laws who will never have a grandchild at all if we don’t give them one, I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. These thoughts and feelings consume me everyday, I try to not let it consume me, and some days are better than others, I can guarantee my worst days are the days when yet another one of our friends announced they are having their second or third baby, or our neighbor’s 15 year old daughter is pregnant, or another person I know completely takes their child or their pregnancy for granted, these things have a huge emotional drain on me. We have very, very few friends who don’t have children, its very hard to be friends with people, most anyone close to our age are parents and they want to talk about their children, their lives revolve around them, I simply can’t relate, it causes me to turn inward, it causes me much bitterness and resentment. To add fuel to this fire, my husband is very adamant that we don’t share our struggles with anyone, he feels it is our business and our business alone, honestly, only a couple close friends are the only ones who even know what we’re going through, others may know on some level, but we have never told them.

Why does life have to be this hard, I know life is unfair, but why do some of us have such a huge burden to bear and others none at all? Add it to the list of things I will never understand.